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Sun, 02 Aug 2009 03:31:28 GMT

For everyone who has Etiquette 101 on their schedules, also listed as The Art Of Being Fucking Civilized, get the mud out of your ears and listen up! I am Professor Kirkland, and you will address me as such. None of this new slang rubbish being tossed about nowadays, I don't hold with it! You will attend these classes twice-weekly, after school, in room 666. For you hapless wankers who can't find your own arse with both hands, that's the sixth door on the left down the hall from the main office.

This month you will be learning how to Dine With Dignity; specifically, the course will include servings of spotted dick, parmo, faggot, sad cake, kippering, yarg, and bedforeshire clanger- all made by my own hand and with my own money, so you better bring your bloody appetites!

If you forget to bring some kind of napkin or rag with which to protect your scruffy thug jackets and droopy drawers, a homemade handkerchief will be provided for you. And no quarreling over the lavatory pass! You piss when I say so, if I say so.

I will make gentlemen - and gentleladies - out of you primitive shitheads whether you like it or not!

the map of my world gets smaller as I see it

1 Empire